Form AWM-107Advisory
RARE SPECIES ADVISORY
California Barking Spiders (Arachnida flatulens californicus)
- Status:
- Extremely rare. Frequently heard. Always responsible. Officially blamed for nearly every dairy indiscretion in the county.
- Not to be confused with:
- the common barking spider, a far more ordinary species found in households everywhere. California Barking Spiders are bigger, louder and much harder to explain. Residents must refer to them by their full name at all times.
- Known attractants:
- Milk, above all. Also cheese plates, second bowls of cereal, ice cream after 9 PM, and anyone who has just said "I'm fine, I'm not lactose intolerant."
- Habitat:
- Campfire pits, couch cushions, the back seats of station wagons and quiet rooms where the silence matters most. Most often found near open refrigerators and dads who've just sat down after a big dinner. There is rarely just one in the room.
- Identification:
- Nobody has ever gotten a clear look at one. Sightings are confirmed by a short, sharp bark, followed by an odor that lingers well after the California Barking Spiders have left the area.
- Measurement:
- Odor levels cannot be accurately measured at this time. Inspectors have stopped trying.
- If you encounter them:
- Stay calm. Keep your eyes on the floor and corners. Under County guidelines, the California Barking Spiders are responsible. You are not.
