Channel 3 · Serving Peculiar Pastures · Evening Report

6:04 PM WIND SSW 12
PNN 3 WIRE
  • Residents near Route 9 advised to stay upwind
  • Plume Desk tracking post-dinner drift through Thursday evening
  • Aisle 4 reopens after what officials describe as "an event"
  • Herd sighting near Pasture 9 remains unconfirmed
  • Wind SSW 12 mph · Dairy density elevated
  • County advisories remain on file
  • Gene Gassman has seen worse
  • #milkhurts
EP01 · Evening Report
Lead BroadcastPlume Desk

Thanksgiving Wind Outlook: Post-Dinner Drift Heads Northeast

Gene Gassman | PNN Channel 3

Peculiar Pastures · Outlook for Thu Nov 26

Good evening. The Plume Desk is tracking a Thanksgiving system expected to form shortly after the second plate.

Winds out of the south-southwest at 12 miles per hour will carry the post-dinner drift northeast, toward Aisle 4 and anyone who sat down late.

Residents are advised to stay upwind. Gene is already dressed for it.

EP01 · 0:16Sound on recommended#milkhurts
Plume Desk Recommends Full Forecast

Peculiar Pastures Weather & Air Quality

Storm & Plume Tracker

Thanksgiving wind outlook · Thu Nov 26 · After dinner

9 PASTURE 9 DAIRY DEPOT AISLE 4 PLUME SOURCE N
Upwind: ClearDownwind: Take Cover
Air Quality Index
AQI 312 · HIGH METHANE
Wind
SSW 12
mph · gusting after dessert
Dairy Density
Elevated
Second plates reported countywide
Visibility
Hazy
Aisle 4 and points northeast
Advisory
Stay Upwind
Until further notice
  1. TUE NOV 24Calm, Lightly ButteredGrocery runs. Low drift.
  2. WED NOV 25Pressure BuildingCasseroles assembling. Lactose haze by evening.
  3. THU NOV 26Post-Dinner Drift ExpectedPlume heads northeast. Stay upwind.

PNN Storm & Plume Tracker readings are for Peculiar Pastures, a place that does not exist. For actual weather, consult an actual meteorologist.

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Upwind

"You're upwind. Congratulations. Stay exactly where you are."

Gene Gassman | PNN Channel 3 Stay Upwind Tee · From $36 →
Downwind

"Downwind. The station has been notified. We're sorry for your loss."

Gene Gassman | PNN Channel 3 Grade F Notice Tee · From $36 →
Caught in Aisle 4

"Do not run. Do not make eye contact with the carton. Help is not coming."

Gene Gassman | PNN Channel 3 2% Wanted Poster Tee · From $36 →

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PNN Channel 3 is a parody news station. Peculiar Pastures, Gene Gassman, the Plume Desk and every reading on this page are made up for laughs. No real broadcaster is involved. Forecasts are not forecasts. #milkhurts